When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
