things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
