What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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