I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
