the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
