I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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