fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
