either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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