so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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