Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i think i just lost a toe
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
