Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
