also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
