I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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