so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
