If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
