what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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