he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we're making bets on your personal life
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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