Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
