I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
