We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
