no, he came in my armpit
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
