I accidentally burped into my bong.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
