Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
