he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I think weed is turning my hair brown
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
