Banned from zoo.
Again?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
