Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can i not drive my cunt home
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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