Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
