I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
