Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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