Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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