I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
