K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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