peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
