dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
