Even the bartender felt bad for me
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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