I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
