currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
