i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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