I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
