I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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