Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
