Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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