Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
