Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
