nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
