I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
