Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
