so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
