Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
