that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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