Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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