My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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