Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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