I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
