I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
